Iliyasu Abdullahi Bah
Adamu Jaji, popularly known as Sarkin Sulhu (The Peacemaker), has built a reputation for resolving marital crises across Nigeria’s northeast. From his base as Head of Counselling at Specialist Hospital Damaturu, he has mediated numerous cases, saving unions from collapse and guiding couples toward stability. In an exclusive interview with The Journal Nigeria, Jaji reflected on his journey, the growing trend of divorce in the North, and the urgent need for structured pre-marital guidance.
Sir, as the Head of Marriage Counselling, could you please describe your specific role and responsibilities within this capacity?
Actually, counselling, as the name implies, is a therapeutic process where we counselors work with an individual, group, or family to address personal issues, emotional distress, and mental health challenges through a supportive and confidential talking relationship.
Ahh! The goal is to help people understand their problems, develop coping strategies, gain self-awareness, set goals, and make positive changes to improve their well-being. It provides a safe space to explore feelings, thoughts, and experiences without judgment, with the counselor empowering the client to find their own solutions rather than simply giving advice.
Could you share how your professional journey took you to this pivotal position?
As the head of the counseling unit at Specialist Hospital Damaturu, I have always been passionate about helping others. I started counseling people in my neighborhood, resolving issues like marriage problems. Even in my own family, I help settle disputes. This experience shaped my career as a counselor.
In the North West and North East regions, we are witnessing a significant number of marital dissolutions. From your professional analysis, what would you identify as the primary causes of this trend?
Based on our counselling analysis, the dissolution of marriages in our society, particularly in the Northeast and Northwest regions, is primarily attributable to two interconnected root causes: illiteracy and poverty. These two factors severely cripple the foundation of marital unions, leading to widespread instability.
Illiteracy has profoundly damaged the social fabric. Many married men and women lack the fundamental knowledge—both social and religious—required to navigate the complexities of a marital relationship. They often engage in actions without a true understanding of their consequences on their spouse and family. This knowledge gap creates immense but avoidable friction.
Poverty, on the other hand, stands as a major cause of marital breakdown, driven by severe economic challenges. The crisis often begins when an individual with no tangible source of income, either formal or informal, enters into marriage. An honest marriage requires financial resources for upkeep, and the absence of this leads to constant strain. A critical issue is the rush by parents to approve marriage proposals for their children without conducting due diligence to ascertain the suitor’s financial capacity to cater for a family.
Furthermore, the tradition of providing foodstuffs as a gift from the groom’s family creates a precarious situation. When these initial provisions are exhausted, and there is no sustainable income to replenish them, serious conflict arises between the couple, testing the marriage at its earliest and most vulnerable stage.
To address this, it is imperative that couples seek formal counselling or attach themselves to knowledgeable clerics for proper guidance before entering the institution of marriage. This preparation is not a luxury but a necessity for building a resilient union.
Marriage itself evolves through three distinct stages: The newlywed period; the middle years of marriage and the advanced years of life together.
The first stage is especially critical. Without proper advice, misunderstandings are common. A woman’s psychology often operates on a principle of “visibility” or consistency—she expects the kindness and attentiveness shown during courtship to be maintained inside the marriage. When inevitable changes occur due to life’s pressures, if not properly managed and communicated, they are perceived as a loss of love or commitment, and problems begin. Therefore, guidance on adapting to change is essential from the outset.
Given the acute challenges of poverty and food insecurity in the northern states, does your office conduct pre-marital counselling for youth, advising on the importance of financial stability and timing before entering into marriage?
Yes, absolutely. We periodically partner with non-governmental organizations (NGOs) to engage both youth who are preparing for marriage and those who are not yet at that stage. In these sessions, we coach them on the serious implications of entering into marriage without adequate preparation, especially the risks of lacking a stable job or sufficient income to provide for a family. We emphasize that, in marriage, the responsibility of care largely falls on the husband. Our goal is to help young people understand that marriage should not be rushed—it requires proper timing, dedication, and personal resilience.
What key advice would you give to married men on how to actively nurture and regulate their marriages to prevent breakdown and foster a lasting union?
My key advice to married men is to consciously avoid using the word “divorce.” Many men, when upset with their wives, resort to threatening divorce, which can deeply damage the relationship. This kind of language can push a woman to her limits, and she may eventually retaliate by saying, “Then divorce me.” I strongly advise men to remove this word from their arguments altogether and instead practice patience, understanding, and constructive communication to nurture and sustain a healthy, lasting marriage.
A common assertion in many communities, particularly in the North East, is that couples should have as many children as possible and trust God to provide for them. What is your professional and culturally sensitive perspective on this belief?
This widely held belief is not new; it is a common assertion within some Hausa communities. However, the idea that having 15 children is sustainable or beneficial for society, especially when one’s economic capacity can only adequately provide for one, two, or three children, is simply not true.
Starvation is often the root cause of indiscipline and social problems. When a household is free from hunger, at least 50% of good character and stability is already achieved. Without food at home or access to basic social amenities, young boys and girls are forced to find ways to survive. If they are fortunate enough to have a positive peer group, they may be guided toward the right path. Unfortunately, many are not so lucky and end up turning to destructive alternatives such as joining militant groups, engaging in prostitution, or becoming involved in drug abuse—all of which contribute to broader societal problems.
Therefore, parents must embrace family planning. The saying, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail,” holds particularly true here. We actively counsel married men on the importance of family planning to secure a better future for their children. With proper planning and awareness, we anticipate that in the next ten years, the situation will change drastically for the better.
What foundational advice would you offer to upcoming couples who are preparing for marriage, to help them build a resilient and happy life together?
My advice to upcoming couples is to prioritize planning, not only for their own future but also for the future of their children. One of the root causes of indiscipline in our society is the absence of deliberate and thoughtful planning.
I strongly urge every couple to align their family goals with economic realities. By doing so, they can provide a better upbringing for their children and contribute positively to society, rather than adding to its challenges.